God Makes People Mad All The Time.

If you like making people mad this post is not for you. I know there are people in the world who do like making people mad and they need someone else to speak into their lives because all I would say would be "Hey, stop making people mad. It's making me feel uncomfortable." And really how helpful is that?

If, however, making people mad makes you miserable -- welcome to my world. I hate making people mad. I hate disappointing people. I hate burdening them or annoying them. These are some of the worst feelings I can think of and ones that I avoid at many costs. Earlier this week I realized this is something that I avoid at too many costs.

I was "playing" outside with my girls on a beautiful morning. Actually I was ignoring them and brushing off their excited comments so I could focus on doing something that was a total waste of time and that I wasn't even enjoying. Why? Because someone (who is not a regular reader of my blog nor a family member and so probably not you) had suggested it to me and I knew if I didn't finish by that afternoon they would find out and know I hadn't taken their suggestion.

All of a sudden (probably after shushing one of my kids or saying "Oh nice." and not even looking up at the dirt mound they had built) I asked myself. "Why the heck am I still doing this?" and before I had time to contrive a good reason I answered myself (Yes, that IS what crazy people do.) "So I won't make {REDACTED} mad."

Wow. And I had to admit that was the whole reason I was doing it. Not another reason at all was even contributing to it. Because I didn't want to risk disappointing someone I was neglecting the important for what in this case was utterly pointless. Ouch.

And then I had the most liberating thought I have had in a while. God makes people mad all the time. He is perfect and He is good and He is kind and He IS love and yet he manages to make millions of people angry every single day. I place a high value on how much what I do will please or displease others. It was huge epiphany for me to realize that in this way I was not sharing God's values. When Jesus was on Earth he made people angry too. He made them angry enough to kill him. I let whether or not something will anger or disappoint someone be the deciding factor in whether or not I do a lot. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say I do that all the time. That's not what Jesus did.

I thought I was thinking of others by not wanting to make them mad, but in reality I was thinking of myself. I wasn't trying to prevent the suffering of others I was trying to mitigate my own discomfort by making sure by whatever means I felt necessary people were rarely displeased with me. My avoidance of the anger of others is nothing like godliness. It is definitely not Christlike. At root it is selfishness and one thing I know about selfishness is that it makes everything worse.

So where do I go from here? Start making people mad on purpose? Stop considering at all how my actions will affect others? No, of course not. As Sissy would say, "Thas not kind!" As Afton would say, "Now you're just being wacky." I think I need to stop dressing up my own self-protective tendencies like they are sacrificial love and learn to really love sacrificially the way Jesus did. His unselfishness, love, and willingness to sacrifice are unmatched in history but he was not afraid of the anger of men. I think the more I grow to be like Him the less afraid of it I will be as well.

Kinda Reminds Me Of Nap Time

I am taking this year off from Facebook. Oh, I still check it every now and then and use it as a means of communicating with specific people. I am just taking this year off of posting things to it and feeling like I need to read every single update every single day. It became a lot of noise in my life. Its absence has been as refreshing as the moments after someone turns off a TV that has been left on but that no one is watching. Deep cleansing breath and "Why didn't I do that a while ago?"

I joined Facebook when Afton was three months old. I was three months into being home alone all day with someone who couldn't talk. My husband worked a lot back then. Leaving at 8:00ish and coming home at 7:00ish was normal. Facebook was a life preserver to me in what could have been a sea of loneliness. I don't hate Facebook. I think Facebook is pretty awesome.

This winter though I didn't update my status for about three weeks. I just didn't feel like it. It was so freeing. The longer I went without telling people what I was doing or thinking the less inclined I was to do so. I just felt like everyone I had ever known didn't need to know where I ate dinner. That was a feeling I hadn't had in a while. Facebook had become such a part of my life that I felt like each family outing, each cute or frustrating (depending on the day) thing my kids did, each original thought, each milestone, all my grievances, successes, questions had to be shared and shared with A LOT of people or it was almost like they didn't happen. I didn't realize I was under that kinda pressure until I just stopped posting and it didn't really matter.

During that three week break I realized I could have dinner at Chipotle with my family and my adorable children could say something cute or do something embarrassing and afterwards we could all go to the Ice Capades and when we get home there could be a brand new car in my drive way wrapped in bow with a card that reads "To my beautiful wife from your devoted husband!" and I could not tell everyone I had ever known and it would still be just as special. I can enjoy my life without making it into a documentary. (None of this happened by the way, just good old fashioned hyperbole. Well, actually, I am sure we did eat dinner at Chipotle. That place is delish.)

Sometime during those three weeks something else happened. I started realizing I don't really care where most of my "friends" eat dinner. I don't really care whether or not most of them went to the Ice Capades, etc. When I hear about those things I think I care, but when I don't hear about them I realize my life is still just as full and happy. Sometimes even more so because I have more mental energy to spend caring about those who are actually around me. Particularly a couple of very special little people who are always around me.

So I decided to take 2011 off from posting statuses and doing daily (at least) checks of everyone else statuses. I am three months in and I don't miss it. I am slowly leaving behind the habit of thinking in status updates. I am enjoying my life just as much as I did when everyone else was reading about it. I am still just as connected with life long friends and I may have a better awareness of who those people actually are. The break has been nice so far. Kinda reminds me of nap time. A big deep breath and some long absent silence.

Like I said I don't hate Facebook. I think it is one of the best ideas ever. I will probably be back in your face with as much of my business as you can handle as soon as the calendar changes to 2012. But until then I am enjoying my quiet. Because as we learn from nap time sometimes we need a break from even the very best things in life.

"Its 1:53 in the morning -- is it time for me to declare my intentions?"

Five years ago tonight the brief silence in my kitchen was broken by those words.



"You tell me." I responded coyly, and so began the conversation that would change my life. Forever. For better.

We discussed whether or not we wanted to "give it a try" for a couple of minutes and then we spent the next two hours discussing what giving it a try would look like for us. It was more than a mere DTR. (Though, we had no doubt that was what our friends would be calling it the next morning.) For us it was the beginning of our Great Attempt . That was what we christened the new direction our relationship was taking that night. Our attempt to learn to love well and then to love as well as we possibly could and to never stop learning to love well and loving as well as we possibly could. Our attempt to work hard at our love from the beginning and meet problems and pitfalls head on and handle them rather than be handled by them. We didn't use all those words just then, for fear of saying too much, but five years into it that is pretty much how I would sum it up. So yeah, pretty heavy stuff for your average DTR. Maybe that explains why we engaged two weeks later.

I have never stopped being thankful for that night. I never will. I will never stop being thankful to Ron for having the courage to "declare his intentions" when it would have been just as easy not to. I will never stop being thankful to God for the little and big providences he crafted into our lives up to that point so that when that night of great importance came we were as ready as we could be. Neither of us deserved to be as ready as we were.

So, how is it going, this Great Attempt of ours? We are about a mile and a half into our marathon. It is still exciting. It is still hard to believe we are actually really going for it. It is fun. It is a whole lot of fun actually. And, it is already harder than I thought it would be. Turns out the hard work that love requires takes more than love alone to accomplish. It takes nothing less than the grace of God. Fortunately, we serve an extravagantly generous God. It is already a whole lot better than I thought it would be too. It is by far the most rich and rewarding endeavor of my life. I am fortunate beyond words that this bright, pleasant path is the path God has chosen for me. When I think about it in that way I realize that the hard work of love is actually really, really easy.

So, Ron, when you read this, know that I am glad. I am glad I didn't have to work that Sunday. I am glad you spent all afternoon at my house. I am glad yet another silly boy was leading Christen S. on at the time. I am glad I had lived enough to be indignant with him for doing so. I am glad you didn't leave for Charlottesville after the Grammys were over. And I am so very glad you chose me as your partner in this Great Attempt. Attempting with you day after day has been the proudest enterprise of my life. Knowing that you will be here with me, until death parts us, attempting with all God gives you is the sure and solid underpinning of all my earthly joys.

Happy five years as us. I love you.

FAQ - Why Didn't You / Don't You Answer Your Phone?

There are several reasons that I sometimes don't answer my phone including but not limited to:

1. It is dead.

2. I unintentionally left it in the car.

3. I intentionally left it in the car because I am in church or at a doctor's appointment or somewhere else I do not want it to ring.

4. I am out and I accidently left it at home.

5. It is in another room and I do not hear it ringing.

6. It is in another room and I do hear it ringing but do not get to it fast enough.

7. It is in another room and I hear it ringing quietly and cannot tell what room it is coming from. In these circumstances it often weirdly feels like the sound is coming from every room.

8. It is in another room and I hear it ringing but can not get to it because I am in the middle of something like feeding or rocking a baby.

9. I do not know where it is.

10. I have company or am out with someone and it would be rude to answer the phone.

11. I do not recognize the number on the caller ID.

12. I do not want to talk to the person calling. (This I assure you, never applies to you.)

13. I do want to talk to the person calling, but do not have time right now to devote to the call.

14. The person calling is awkward to talk to, so I would rather just let them leave a message.

15. I know what the person calling wants and I do not yet have an answer for them.

16. I suspect the person calling is looking for someone else who is not with me.

17. I am in the middle of a serious conversation.

18. I am watching 24.