Our Story - 4.15.11

One of the two main reasons I keep this blog and allow myself to spend time on it is because I want my children to have something to look back on when they are grown and to remember these sweet days we had together. I want to be able to look back and remember too. So, this week I came up with an idea I am pretty excited about.

A little over a year ago Ron bought me a real fancy phone and since then it has been not only my phone but my go to camera. Any given day there are anywhere from 10 to 150 pictures on it. It is handy because my phone is usually with me and my actual camera usually is not. Anytime something precious or unbelievable happens I can quickly grab my phone and immortalize the moment. I have noticed that the pictures on my phone tend be a pretty good portrayal of exactly what is going on around here at a given moment. Those pictures tell our story quite well.

I have decided to take a little time and the end of every week or so and let the pictures on my phone do just that. Tell our story. The parts of story that I know I will forget unless I find a way to make sure I remember.

So here we go:

I have been pretty concerned about whether or not Rose is growing enough. She is such a scrawny little thing and anyone who knows our other girls knows we don't make scrawny babies. At her one year check up the doctor said she is doing fine. She is just 25 percentile weight and 75 percentile height. So no worries as long as she is eating and growing which she is. He said "You can always fatten em up later, but once the fat is there it is had to get rid of it." Don't I know it.

Speaking of Rose there's a new kid in town. Look who is too big for her britches standing up and snacking like her sisters!

She is still our little Baby Rose though too.

The Babingtons upgraded to the seven quart crock pot this week. We have five real eaters now!

My nine months pregnant sister in law graciously did a photo shoot of my girls last weekend. The pictures are glorious! I am going to cheat and post one here so you get the idea. This picture is obviously not from my phone but is just to prove the point. She is really quite talented.

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What is even more remarkable than how adorable Afton looks in those flowers is the lengths Judy Kay was willing to go to get shots like that from her three...shall we say... spirited models. Yes, at one point you see her pregnant belly (housing a full grown baby who could live outside the womb) practically resting on the sidewalk. And it wasn't all that cool outside that day, people. We often get strange looks when we say that we moved here for no good reason other than to be near Ron's sister and her family. Maybe if the people who think that is odd could see the pictures below the would begin to understand.

My mom stitched this picture when I was about 12 years old. She recently asked me if I wanted one of her old cross stitching pieces. Of course I did! I have such fond memories of watching my mom work through many such pictures. I finally got it hung in my bedroom and it warms my heart every time I see it.

Things have been moving at a pretty break neck pace for us since late February with no sign of stopping until the end of summer. I get overwhelmed easily. I am not an especially neat person but chaos really gets to me. Ron recently took all three girls to Afton's ballet class (no small feat) and then kept them out on errands for an additional two hours so I could catch up around here. I would thoroughly clean one room and then sit down and read a chapter of my book and repeat. It was so relaxing and rejuvenating. Not sure what this says about me but I enjoyed it about as much as I would have enjoyed a day at the spa. And I missed my girls. There is something good for your soul about having the opportunity to miss your children. By end of the evening I remember thinking someday (someday too soon) my house will be this clean all the time and then, oh, I will long for the days with my sweet baby girls.

My sweet baby girls (well, the two biggest ones) played an actual board game by themselves for the first time this week. They had a lot of fun and actually followed the rules of them game instead of just messing with the pieces. May seem like a small thing to you but it's quite huge really.

Oh and this little big girl had her first raisins this week. She was fan!

Flowering Weeds

Two of my new friends here in South Carolina lost babies to miscarriages last week. Babies that they loved and were looking forward to meeting. Babies who would have loved the sweet mommies they were born to. These particular girls have been two of the friendliest and most welcoming people I have met in my new home. I am thankful for them and now I am deeply saddened that such a heartbreaking circumstance has befallen people who have been so kind to me. I have wept while writing this paragraph and it has taken me much longer to write it than it took for you to read it.

Five years ago we lost our first baby to a miscarriage. I didn't much feel like talking about it then and have very rarely talked about it since. When I do mention it it is always in an all business kind of way. I will state the fact that it happened and whatever details surrounding it that are pertinent to the conversation at hand. But I don't...go there. I don't open my heart to any feelings whatsoever surrounding the matter. It is a closed case. Miscarriages happen all the time and one happened to me. Done.

Or so I thought. But then when my friends started having experiences I knew too well those long ignored feelings made their presence known again. The feelings that start when you see blood where blood shouldn't be when you're pregnant. The feelings that grow when the bleeding doesn't stop even as you are trying to convince yourself that it is getting lighter. The feelings that crash down around you when some medical person tells that what you have feared and hoped against and prayed against has happened. Your baby is gone and you will not hold it until heaven. The feelings that sink in when you realize your baby will always be called it. Never him or her. Loud, ugly, painful feelings. Feelings that you don't want and don't know what to do with. Feelings you try to hide when someone asks you how you are. I hate those feelings. I hate that the commonness of miscarriages means that those awful feelings are common too. I hate that the commonness of such awful feelings doesn't make them any less awful. If anything it just makes them more infuriating. I hate all of that.

But in revisiting the emotions of losing a baby I reminded of another kind of feeling I had back then. A feeling that is beautiful and is odd in that it only accompanies the darkest and most terrible of feelings. The kind of peace and hope that only show up in the midst of real fear and despair. The supernatural assurance of God's goodness that is only relevant when everything in you wants to ask how He could be so cruel. The joy that God saves aside for only his children who are experiencing profound sorrow. It's a kind of feeling I can't explain. Supernatural is the best word I've got for it. I think it is commonly called grace.

My miscarriage took place in Italy. I spent a week in an Italian hospital. I had left my home at the end of winter. What was supposed to be a quick four day trip to welcome my brother back from Afghanistan turned into two weeks in a strange place going through the most excruciating experience of my life. While I was gone winter turned into early spring. When I stepped out of my car after the long flight and ride home my yard was covered in purple flowers. Weeds really, but they were flowering weeds, and they were where nothing but winter deadness had been when I left. They said to me in a way no human could have gotten away with "Life goes on." Not in a trite shruggy oh-well-better-luck-next-time kinda way. But in the resounding way of a trustworthy promise. LIFE - real life, the kinda life God makes - goes on and on and on even in this world so broken that an innocent baby isn't even safe in the womb of the mother who loves it. That is what those flowering weeds said to me. My yard wasn't covered in flowers my yard was covered in grace.

I was away this weekend while my friends were just beginning to grapple with their loss. In my prayers for them I kept coming back to those flowering weeds. I asked God to send them something like that. Some kind of visible, palpable grace that is louder than their pain and that is kinder than this world is cruel. I believe that He will.

When I arrived home on Monday my yard that I had left in the dead of winter just days before was full of those same purple flowers I first noticed all those years ago.

His mercy endures forever.

I Think She is Ready.

1. A very kind friend took my children for the whole morning so I could have time to get some things done in preparation for Rose's arrival this weekend. She even fed them lunch. They had lots of fun and I missed them. Anytime my children have been in someone else's care I have been out. It felt so strange to be home and for them not to be here. I got lots done on my low energy without my efforts being divided. I can't think of anything at all that could have been more helpful today! It was especially comforting knowing that my children were having lots of fun (More than they would have been having here. Let's be honest.) with people they enjoy!

2. Dinner? Next question.

3. Lord willing this little lady will be a big sister before the week is over. I think she is ready.

I Think It Is Finally Sinking In.

1. Today for lunch my kids had bananas and peas and milk.

2. Not totally sure what we are having for dinner tonight. I am leaning toward black bean stoup. Here is the recipe. It is really, really good. I never have tried the Monte Cristos in the recipe, but I am sure they are probably good too.

3. The Count of Monte Cristo is one of the best books I have ever read half of. If it is so good why don't I read the rest? Not sure. Its moment kinda passed. It may have another moment again someday.

4. I can't wait to have this baby. Somehow I lost weight from this week to last. (Let me assure you it was not from not eating whatever I want or doing any physical activity beyond that which sustains my life and preserves the lives of my children.) I read that weight loss can be a sign of impending labor. "A loss or leveling off of weight may occur in the last few days before labor starts..." I think was the exact quote. My question is what is meant by the last few days? Like 3 days.....awesome. Like 20 days.....no duh. It's the last month of pregnancy. In that sense, of course, it is the last few days. I have been googling everything else I feel to see if it is a sign of impending labor as well. Pretty much it is all just symptoms of pregnancy. Yep, I am pregnant alright. Anyway, I am thankful that this pregnancy has been smooth and that all signs point to a healthy baby girl. I can't wait to meet her. I feel more ready to mother this child than I have with any of my other pregnancies. I have gotten a chance to see twice now how fast babydom slips away, so I plan on savoring this infancy rather than being eager for the next milestone or my first chance to sleep all night. One of the (many) things that makes baby-ness so precious is how quickly it is gone. "Enjoy them. They grow up so fast." I can't go to the store with my kids without an old lady coming up and telling me that. I think it is finally sinking in.

My Weak Spot For Chipotle Has Developed Into A Passionate Love

 I am getting dangerously obsessed with Chipotle.  Ron and I have always had a weak spot for it in our hearts and our eating out budget, but since I have been pregnant and eating (and on bad days even  cooking) a lot of our regular foods grosses me out my weak spot for Chipotle has developed into a passionate love with which there is no reasoning.  I said this to Ron last week, "When Chipotle is SO delicious, SO affordable, fills you up so SO well, and serves wholesome food you can feel good about putting into your body and feeding to your children why would you ever eat anywhere else including your own home?"  He just looked at me for a long time and said "You are making me nervous."  Don't worry, baby, I am making myself nervous too.

I Feel Like I Should Be Thirty. I Feel Like It Is Time.

1. 9/11 still breaks my heart.

2. This is my old phone. This is my new phone. I am so excited about it.

3. We have our first ultrasound on Wednesday and I am really excited about that too.

4. Afton has not had one potty accident since we got back from vacation in July. Not even at night! To celebrate I took her to Ben and Jerry's for an ice cream date. Here is my beautiful big girl! Two and a half years old exactly the day this was taken.

5. I have been reading this book. I know, so nineties. It is really good though. If you didn't read it in the nineties you should now just like me. Which reminds me...I am getting ready to read the LOTR books. Also didn't read them in the nineties like I was supposed to. Does anyone know if I need to read The Hobbit first?

6. I turn thirty tomorrow. I am actually kinda happy to be thirty. No reservations at all. I feel like I should be thirty. I feel like it it is time.

I Probably Won't Bake Something New Everyday

1. I don't have time to have a fancy blog with long double proof read posts, but I do miss having a way to remember my thoughts as my days pass me by, open my life to my friends and acquaintances, and leave a record for my children of their infancy and childhood, so I am back, but keeping it simple.

2. I have decided to bake my brains out this holiday season and I can't wait! I have always loved the idea of holiday goodies everywhere all season long. That was how it was at my Nana's house growing up. There was never a day without a pie or some candies or special bread or something yummy! It made everything so special. I have been wanting to make the holiday season a celebration everyday all season long and I can't really think of an easier or better way to celebrate than with food. My only drawback has been all those calories. How could I make festive goodies everyday and not end up as fat as a Christmas goose myself. This unanswered question has been what has kept me from ever embarking on my holiday baking mission. But I got thinking....what with me pregnant and all and not really supposed to be worried about calories and not really supposed to be too worried about my weight this will be the perfect season to try my experiment.  So here we go!  Well, beginning November 1st (Ron's birthday and my official start of holiday season) pumpkin muffins and pumpkin pie will start things off and will give way to Christmas candies, cookies, and ciders as our thoughts turn from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  It is going to be yummy around here!  I probably won't bake something new everyday, but when the last treat runs out I will know it is time to start something up!  I think it is gonna be a fun way to keep all that we have to celebrate in the forefront of our minds.  If it turns out awesome I will keep doing it in years when I am not pregnant.  Fattening up for winter is good right? Plus I will never be wanting for a New Year's Resolution!

3.  Afton and Ponder went to Chuck E. Cheese's for the first time in her life yesterday.  That place is so fun!  I had forgotten.  We were on a fifteen hour ride home from Florida and we wanted pizza for lunch.  The only pizza place at our exit was Chuck E. Cheese, not really the kind of place you want to stop on a fifteen hour trip.  We really wanted pizza though and I told Ron the kids don't even know what it is so they won't ask to play unless we bring it up.  We could just eat there like it was a regular pizza place and they would be none the wiser.  Good enough plan, but once we got inside the fun took over.  It started with me!  As soon as I saw the skeet ball machines I told Afton me'n Daddy were about to get nasty on some skeet ball.  She had know idea what that even was.    Then there were the tradional singing animals, (Afton adored them of course.) , the blue screen kids could dance in front of and then be put up on huge TV screens so everybody in the restaurant could see them, the five free tokens that came with our food that we just has to use!  We were sunk.  Fun was going to be had.  The trip would have wait.  Our pizza was disgusting, but we left thinking there was no where better we could have stopped!  After a couple of rides on cars and horses and merry go rounds Afton was a new kid, totally renewed for the trip.   Just getting to see the singing animals and watch her sister dancing on a big TV screen was enough to lift Ponder's spirits.  Ron and I did try our hand at the skeet ball.  Let's just say together we didn't make enough tickets to buy even the cheapest toy.  There is always next time though, and there certainly will be a next time!

I am Thankful for...

1. My husband.
2. How God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. A healthy child.
4. A smooth pregnancy.
5. The undeserved kindness of God.
6. The patience of God.
7. That God is not like me.
8. My grandma.
9. My baby's sweet disposition.
10. The ability to learn.
11. Friends.
12. How the internet has made sustaining precious friendships possible.
12. Finding Krista.
13. Hard times.
14. Uplifting songs.
15. Having to trust God.
16. Family.
17. A happy marriage.
18. Not getting what I deserve.
19. Grace.
20. Mercy.
21. Looking forward to Baltimore.
22. My baby's laughs.
23. My husband's kindness.
24. Finding kindred spirits again.
25. Life itself.

My Favorite Pregnancy Snack

A small bowl of peanut butter and a mug of milk. Yum. It tastes best at about 3:00 PM. You know, right about now.

Hard Labor

I had to stop reading this book at least for the time being because I was starting to have pretty stressful dreams about it. It is extremely interesting, fascinating really, but not necessarily a good read for someone who, like me, will be giving birth in the next three months. If you are not in that category and like reading real stories about childbirth you may find it very enjoyable. One word of caution though. It is surprisingly rife with profanity for a book on this subject. I am not naive enough to believe that an awful lot of cussing does not go on in delivery rooms, but it seemed a little over the top and unnecessary to me. I don't know, maybe I am just not "raw" enough. I also haven't read the whole book so I can only speak to pages 1-91. Within those pages, however, I found some of the best advice about approaching the childbirth experience that I have ever read. I thought I would share it here:

Bring your written birth plans to the hospital, review them frequently with your OB in your weekly visits, go into the experience with all your hopes and dreams, but always be ready to go with the flow and cooperate if there is any untoward event that challenges your plan. In this way, you establish yourselves as informed consumers who can participate in the the team effort at the hospital, while allowing yourselves the necessary flexibility to deal with unexpected events, without wrecking your self-esteem and your dreams about this birth.

I Told You I Love Birth Stories

My sweet friend Mary Lindsey finally got her sweet baby last week! What a delightful blessing! Read all about it here:

http://blantonbaby.blogspot.com/2008/02/i-am-mommy.html

If Mama Ain't Happy

I have always kinda hated the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It evokes for me the image of a demanding, hard to please woman whose emotions tyrannically rule those around her. The kind of woman I never want to be. The kind of woman I know I could very easily become if I am not careful and apart from the grace of God. Lately, however I have come to understand the profound truth in that statement. I have also come to understand that really need not be an admonition to those around mama, but to mama herself.

This realization came a couple of weeks ago when my husband came home from work and made this remark, "You seem to be in good spirits!" He said it with a small measure of surprise and no small measure of joy on his face. At first I was a little puzzled. Was this such a strange occurrence? Am I not usually in "good spirits?" Before I opened my mouth to ask I thought about the previous few weeks.

To start off I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. I have not proven myself to be a real trooper (i.e. silent sufferer) when it comes to pregnancy. Secondly, this pregnancy seemed to be doing a real bang up job on my emotions, not just my tummy and my energy like last time. Thirdly, I had been pretty sick and then so had my baby. And lastly, my previously very easy going baby had entered a little fussy phase just as I had entered my weakened state. So yeah, while I would like to believe I hadn't been downright grumpy, I could concede that perhaps it had been a while since my husband had come home to find me in actual good spirits.

What was of such great interest to me was how delightfully happy he was to find me in that state. It was very curious to me. I just locked this little observation away in my heart. In the weeks that followed I began to see this was a trend. The happier I was the happier he was - the more we seemed to enjoy each other's company and the more smoothly we sailed through the little things that came our way. The gloomier I became the more sullen he became. Things became harder for both of us. I then started noticing that the same was true with my baby. When I was having a joyful day, she seemed to have a joyful day right along with me. The more tense and overwhelmed and unhappy my behavior was, the less consolable she was. I began to realize the kindest and most loving and outright best thing I can do for my family, for those I love most, and for those who love me most, is to choose joy. Just be happy. Look at the sunny side and be grateful. I couldn't believe such a small thing could have such an impact on our home. But it really did. More than a vacuumed rug, more than a delicious new recipe, more than everything being in place. Just a light-hearted, merry spirit.

That is when I remembered the old saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" And no one can be responsible for mama's happiness, but mama. I have a long ways to go to totally apply this principle to my life, but I am very excited about it. What could be a more pleasant goal than learning to be happy more regularly. I am not going to resort to fake happiness, because as I have been learning, it not only isn't fruitful, it isn't necessary. As a Christian, no matter how bad things get, there is always something to be thankful for, something to really and truly smile about. That is the gift I am going to work to give my family this year. My smile.

100 Things

1. I am really tired.
2. I am almost always really tired.
3. Pregnancy has never been my friend.
4. I am disappointed that my first three things sound like complaints.
5. I try to white wash my complaining by passing complaints off as statements that sound like complaints.
6. It looks like we will have a bad storm tonite.
7. I am from Oklahoma, but I have never seen a tornado in person.
8. I like storms now.
9. They used to scare me so bad I would get sick to my stomach.
10. My baby is sleeping.
11. She is a very sweet girl.
12. I had P.U.P.P.
13. That fact is what make me think I should do a list like this.
14. I love clocks.
15. I love my husband.
16. I have never been very good at fixing my hair.
17. This is harder than I thought it would be.
18. I love lists.
19. I mean I really, really love them.
20. When I was a kid I used to spend hours in my room making lists of names.
21. I am kind of a loner, but I love being with people I am close to.
22. I am mad that I worry about ending sentences with prepositions.
23. I mean who really cares.
24. Something weird just happened to my computer and erased the last several lines I had written.
25. I can't remember what they were exactly. Oh well.
26. I love the country.
27. I like the city, too.
28. I am always very eager for the next big thing.
29. My husband is good at tempering that quality in me.
30. He is very good for me.
31. I hope I am good for him.
32. I am very, very shy.
33. I am fine with that and I wish others would be too.
34. I have read that shyness is a form of self-centeredness.
35. At first I was offended, but now I am willing to admit it may be true. Partly.
36. I pray that I will be able to turn my back on self-centeredness.
37. I absolutely adore Corrie Ten Boom.
38. Once when I was in a hospital in Italy God miraculously revived and sustained the battery in an iPod I was using.
39. You don't have to believe me, but it is true.
40. I never make statements like that.
41. I want to be a really good mother.
42. Selfishness will be my biggest obstacle.
43. I still miss my Aunt Debby.
44. I believe in heaven.
45. I hate going to Sam's.
46. I hate waiting.
47. I love getting packages.
48. I guess were are all the same like those last two.
49. I love kindred spirits.
50. I haven't met one in a long, long time.
51. I had a great time in high school and college.
52. I wouldn't go back to either even for a day.
53. Dogmatism in little things annoys me.
54. Making big things out of little things annoys me.
55. I desperately want to do what is right.
56. I am afraid of baring my soul to others.
57. I wish I could find Savong Donovan.
58. Misty Sargent is one of my heroes.
59. Not that I have lots of heroes.
60. Basically just her and Corrie Ten Boom.
61. There are a whole lot of things that I could have done a lot better, but not a lot of things I would do over.
62. The only thing I can think of is that I would have stood up for Angie Wacek back in seventh grade.
63. I am so weak.
64. I was a regional spelling bee champion in sixth grade, but now I have a really, really hard time spelling.
65. I don't like country music as much a I used to.
66. I rarely miss home anymore.
67. I hate putting lotion on. It takes forever.
68. I hate being criticised.
69. I hate being misunderstood.
70. I just deleted the last two things I wrote because they were too embarrassing.
71. I hate TV, but I watch it a little everyday.
72. I do worry a lot about my family.
73. I hate having to explain myself.
74. I have been too hard on my husband.
75. I want people to think the best of me and my motives.
76. That is what I think of when I think of the golden rule.
77. I love relaxing.
78. I kinda like cooking.
79. I don't like things that are really complicated.
80. Except movie plots.
81. I wish I could remember how to make snow flakes.
82. I love hearing birth stories and engagement stories.
83. I hate listening to glory trips.
84. I don't like being one of a number of multi-tasks.
85. I don't like multi-tasking.
86. I love garlic.
87. I waited tables for over two years and it wasn't good for me.
88. I am overly considerate of service personnel.
89. I love the taste of red wine and would love to drink it every evening like Europeans supposedly do.
90. Other than that I am not at all impressed with Europe.
91. I was treated very, very well when I spent a week in a hospital in Italy.
92. My baby is waking up.
93. She is a very good baby.
94. I hope her brother or sister is just like her.
95. I am 13 weeks pregnant.
96. I am very, very happy about that.
97. I just started learning Latin with Rosetta Stone.
98. It is really fun.
99. My brother got it for me.
100. I love my brother.