Flowering Weeds

Two of my new friends here in South Carolina lost babies to miscarriages last week. Babies that they loved and were looking forward to meeting. Babies who would have loved the sweet mommies they were born to. These particular girls have been two of the friendliest and most welcoming people I have met in my new home. I am thankful for them and now I am deeply saddened that such a heartbreaking circumstance has befallen people who have been so kind to me. I have wept while writing this paragraph and it has taken me much longer to write it than it took for you to read it.

Five years ago we lost our first baby to a miscarriage. I didn't much feel like talking about it then and have very rarely talked about it since. When I do mention it it is always in an all business kind of way. I will state the fact that it happened and whatever details surrounding it that are pertinent to the conversation at hand. But I don't...go there. I don't open my heart to any feelings whatsoever surrounding the matter. It is a closed case. Miscarriages happen all the time and one happened to me. Done.

Or so I thought. But then when my friends started having experiences I knew too well those long ignored feelings made their presence known again. The feelings that start when you see blood where blood shouldn't be when you're pregnant. The feelings that grow when the bleeding doesn't stop even as you are trying to convince yourself that it is getting lighter. The feelings that crash down around you when some medical person tells that what you have feared and hoped against and prayed against has happened. Your baby is gone and you will not hold it until heaven. The feelings that sink in when you realize your baby will always be called it. Never him or her. Loud, ugly, painful feelings. Feelings that you don't want and don't know what to do with. Feelings you try to hide when someone asks you how you are. I hate those feelings. I hate that the commonness of miscarriages means that those awful feelings are common too. I hate that the commonness of such awful feelings doesn't make them any less awful. If anything it just makes them more infuriating. I hate all of that.

But in revisiting the emotions of losing a baby I reminded of another kind of feeling I had back then. A feeling that is beautiful and is odd in that it only accompanies the darkest and most terrible of feelings. The kind of peace and hope that only show up in the midst of real fear and despair. The supernatural assurance of God's goodness that is only relevant when everything in you wants to ask how He could be so cruel. The joy that God saves aside for only his children who are experiencing profound sorrow. It's a kind of feeling I can't explain. Supernatural is the best word I've got for it. I think it is commonly called grace.

My miscarriage took place in Italy. I spent a week in an Italian hospital. I had left my home at the end of winter. What was supposed to be a quick four day trip to welcome my brother back from Afghanistan turned into two weeks in a strange place going through the most excruciating experience of my life. While I was gone winter turned into early spring. When I stepped out of my car after the long flight and ride home my yard was covered in purple flowers. Weeds really, but they were flowering weeds, and they were where nothing but winter deadness had been when I left. They said to me in a way no human could have gotten away with "Life goes on." Not in a trite shruggy oh-well-better-luck-next-time kinda way. But in the resounding way of a trustworthy promise. LIFE - real life, the kinda life God makes - goes on and on and on even in this world so broken that an innocent baby isn't even safe in the womb of the mother who loves it. That is what those flowering weeds said to me. My yard wasn't covered in flowers my yard was covered in grace.

I was away this weekend while my friends were just beginning to grapple with their loss. In my prayers for them I kept coming back to those flowering weeds. I asked God to send them something like that. Some kind of visible, palpable grace that is louder than their pain and that is kinder than this world is cruel. I believe that He will.

When I arrived home on Monday my yard that I had left in the dead of winter just days before was full of those same purple flowers I first noticed all those years ago.

His mercy endures forever.

Happy Birthday Ponder Sissy!

1. She answers more quickly to Sissy than to Ponder.

2. She thinks for herself.

3. You can't make Sissy do anything Sissy doesn't want to do.

4. She loves to snuggle.

5. She prefers juice, but will drink water out of her "watoo boddool."

6. Her skin is probably the softest surface on the planet.

7. "I wuv you."

8. "I baseball."

9. "I go back to church. NO! I go back to school."

10. She has the most adorable version of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." You will probably never hear it though because she won't give command performances. (See #3.)

11. Like her sister Afton she loves Sleeping Beauty. She likes to pretend she is "MannyWetter" the blue fairy. (Merryweather.)

12. She can sing every word to the Sleeping Beauty song "Once Upon A Dream" and has been able to sing it all since she was just over one year old. She could sing that entire song before she was even really talking.

13. She loves to play with Afton. Just follows her around and giggles her heart out.

14. From the first moment she laid eyes on baby Rose she was smitten. She calls her Rosie. She sounds so cute when she says it I think I am going to let it stick.

15. She is fearless.

15. She is very independent.

16. She is no good after nap until she has been snuggled for at least five minutes. "Hold you." And what a delicious five minutes they are.

17. She loves her small baby doll named "Tiny Sister."

18. She also loves her bigger baby doll named "Boy."

19. She knows and understands a lot more than she lets on. Every now and then I catch her being smarter than she wants me to think she is.

20. She removed the lighting and music piece from inside her Glow Worm and uses it as a "lantern". (See #19)

21. We call her our little engineer. (See #20)

22. We think she is going to be a lefty. (See #21)

23. We have yet to find a form of discipline that deters her from anything she has her heart set on doing. Thankfully, we still have prayer.

24. She is ridiculously cute in pig tails.

25. You'll probably never see her wearing them though because she won't leave them in. (See #3)

26. She loves silly games.

27. She loves listening to "my songs" in the car.

28. Holy Holy Holy is her favorite song.

29. She calls all balls basketballs and she loves them.

30. She can already drink out of a big girl cup and sits in a big girl chair at the table.

31. She is heartbroken at the indignity of having her food cut into bite size pieces. She cries and cries and moans "Like a big girl! Like a big girl!"

32. She has a lot of nicknames. Peanut, Sweet P, Putter Butter but "Ponder Sissy" is what Afton has been calling her since she was about five months old and that is by far her most widely used nickname. Sissy doesn't seem like a nickname at all anymore. That is just who she is.

33. "I Sissy!"

34. She loves princesses.

35. "Sissy, are you a princess?" "No! I orange."

36. You have to earn her smile, but when you do it is a smile that will melt your heart.

37. She loves her princess potty Daddy got her. "I did it! Gwate job!"

38. She can build a serious "cackle"with legos and blocks. (Castle.)

39. Her favorite toy to date is a small yellow strip of plastic named "Stripe."

40. She loves Wilson the dog next door.

41. She is not easily impressed.

42. She can sit and turn the pages of books for hours.

43. She is perfectly happy to play all by herself.

44. She likes taking things apart and putting them back together. (See #21.)

45. She likes things to be just so.

46. She calls all clothing "jammies".

47. She loves all shoes and can walk quite well in adult shoes. Even boots.

48. Her favorite book is "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" and she knows most of it by heart. She calls it "Tip Toe".

49. When Afton asks her when she will be done with a certain toy she always says very confidently "Five."

50. We can already tell that is going to be an athlete.

51. She will climb anything. (See # 15)

52. She can balance like nobody's business.

53. Still, I know it is just a matter of time until she falls down all of our stairs.

54. At the beginning of the summer she was terrified of water and swimming, now she can't get enough.

55. She is lost without Afton.

56. She loves riding on Daddy's shoulders.

57. She gets carsick just like Mommy.

58. She loves dressing up.

59. She turns purple when she eats or gets cold. Pretty crazy really.

60. She likes to ask Rose "You naughty? You nice? You a boy? You a girl?"

61. "I fight you!"

62. "And then....and then....and then."

63. "Thas rude!"

64. She has best lion roar I have ever heard!

65. She has an iron will.

66. She is not easily impressed.

67. "I no like it."

69. She likes to be with her people.

70. She has been finding a way to tip over her car seat since she was an infant.

71. She doesn't like help going to the potty.

72. She doesn't like help with pretty much anything.

73. "No, I help!"

74. She likes to help others though.

75. She loves to push the button on the coffee pot in the mornings.

76. She loves Woody (also called "Toy Movie) and Buzz Lightyear (also called "Buzz Light").

77. She is a watcher and a listener.

78. She loves buckling and unbuckling any kind of buckle.

79. She loves coloring on the walls. If she can't do it with crayons she will do it with painted blocks or something like that.

80. She likes Little Einsteins.

81. She loves animals.

83. She loves pointing at things and telling you what they are.

84. She doesn't really like snow, grass, or sand.

85. She loves balloons.

86. She is our pickiest eater. We used to have to put a little bit of orange juice in her milk to get her to drink it. Yuck!

87. She is a quick and quiet learner.

88. She claps her hands to tell you she wants something.

89. When we are eating at Chipotle she starts off using a fork but usually resorts to finishing her burrito bowl with her fingers.

90. She can make a pretty big mess when she is eating but it will all be on her hands and face and the table and floor. Her clothes seem to always make it out unscathed.

91. "It's not easy being Sissy." and "That's just Sissy being Sissy." have become common phrases around here to describe life with Sissy.

92. Lately when she sees Rose she points at her and says, "Mommy, what's that? That Rosie Posie."

93. "Right, Mommy?"

94. When we are in the car and I smile at her in the rear view mirror she melts into one of the cutest smiles I have ever seen. It never fails.

95. It may not be easy being Sissy, but she does a great job at it.

96. She has also done a great job at capturing all our hearts.

97. She makes each of our lives richer and more beautiful. So happy God chose to add her to our family.

98. She is one of the sweetest blessings He has ever given us.

99. Happy Birthday Ponder Sissy! Can't believe we have only known you for two years.

100. Looking forward to many more years of seeing you grow in grace and beauty and just spending everyday watching Sissy being Sissy.

Amen.

A prayer from The Valley of Vision :

SPIRITUS SANCTUS

O HOLY SPIRIT,
As the sun is full of light, the ocean full of water,
Heaven full of glory, so may my heart be full of thee.
Vain are all purposes of divine love
and the redemption by Jesus
except thou work within,
regenerating by thy power,
giving me eyes to see Jesus
showing me to the realities of the unseen world.
Give me thyself without measure,
as an unimpaired fountain,
as inexhaustible riches.
I bewail my coldness, poverty, emptiness,
imperfect vision, languid service,
prayerless prayers, praiseless praise.
Suffer me not to grieve or resist thee.
Come as power,
to expel every rebel lust, to reign supreme and keep me thine;
Come as teacher,
leading me into all truth, filling me with all understanding;
Come as love,
that I may adore the Father, and love him as my all;
Come as joy,
to dwell in me, move in me, animate me;
Come as light,
illuminating the Scripture, moulding me to its laws;
Come as sanctifier,
body, soul and spirit wholly thine;
Come as helper,
with strength to bless and keep, directing my every step;
Come as beautifier,
bringing order out of confusion, loveliness out of chaos.
Magnify to me thy glory by being magnified in me,
and make me redolent of thy fragrance.

So be it.

Shared Prayers

This book of shared prayers has been a tremendous encouragement, rebuke, teacher, blessing in my life. It has helped me to turn my eyes upon Jesus like few other books ever have. I have recently rediscovered it and wanted to introduce it to any of you who have never read it. I heartily encourage you to find a copy and be sharpened and comforted by its beautiful, worship inspiring words. I know you won't regret it.

The Whole World in His Hands

Tomorrow my sweet husband leaves the country for a three week long business trip to India and Pakistan. That means that for the next three weeks Afton and I will be without our greatest source of earthly joy. I know other women and babies have had to do without their men for much longer and in much more dangerous situations. My heart truly goes out to them. Knowing that, though, makes me feel his absence no less.

I, also, know and firmly believe that God has the whole world squarely, securely in his hands - India, Pakistan, outer space. No Christian will ever wander outside his all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful sovereignty. No place is too far, too high, too unstable, or too remote for God to protect his people. This I know and this I believe and this is my sleep granting peace. Still, it is hard for my not worry about Ron's safety and to let my mind wander to worse case scenarios. It is hard to let the dearest thing in the world to me out of my sight and out of my reach for so long.

So this post is just a plea for your prayers, dear friends. Pray for my Ronny. Pray that God will bring him back to me safely. Pray that the days will fly by like seconds. Pray that little Ponder will stay put in my womb until her daddy gets back. Pray that Afton won't miss her daddy too sadly but, that in some sweet way her little heart will grow in even more love for him while he is gone. Pray that Ron and I will be reminded afresh of our love for one another and that the fondness that absence brings us will erase any pettiness that has been born of our familiarity. Pray that I will learn anew to trust God and God alone with the most important things in my life. Pray that He would fill my heart with peace.

Three weeks with my husband in the Eastern Hemisphere. A small concern, even embarrassing to mention, compared with the trials of so many. But it is my present reality. One I dare not face without the gracious aid of my Lord. And so I ask for your prayers. Pray that God will bring him back to me safely. Pray that the days will fly by like seconds. Pray...

Christ As A Light

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! To celebrate, oh and I do so love to celebrate every possible holiday, I wanted to post the prayer of Saint Patrick, himself, here on my blog. I only know it as the exquisite song by John Michael Talbot that we played at our wedding. It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Do yourself a favor and go to iTunes and purchase his song "Christ As A Light (The Prayer of St. Patrick). I guarantee it will be the best 99 cents you spend all day.

Anyway, like I said I wanted to post the prayer of Saint Patrick today and I figured it would be more proper to post his actual prayer than to simply post the song lyrics I love so much. My Google search for the actual words, however, came up with many, many different versions. Being neither Irish, nor Catholic, I had no idea which version was the real prayer of Saint Patrick! So I am posting JMT's lyrics, which I am more than happy to do. These words were the prayer of my heart on my wedding day three and a half years ago, and continue to perfectly capture my longing that Christ, Himself, would both surround and pervade all of me, and that my service as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend would be nothing less than service to Him.

Also because this song always happily reminds me of my wedding I am going to throw in a little wedding picture for free. One of the three snapshots I still have after my hard drive crashed last December. (It's not as bad as it sounds. I still have all the photographer's pictures and I know our parents have tons of snapshots too.)

The Prayer of Saint Patrick
According to John Michael Talbot

Christ as a Light illumine and guide me.
Christ as a Shield overshadow me.
Christ under me.
Christ over me.
Christ beside me on my left and my right.

This day be within and without me.
Lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.
Be in the heart of each to whom I speak,
In the mouth of each who speak unto me.

A Prayer

Father~
Please don't let me be blind to my sin. Please don't let me be comfortable in my sin. Please don't let me despair in my sin. Thank you, thank you, thank you for Christ's victory over my sin.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.



O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understoood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.



For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.